mid-year afterthought.

There is this person called “Ghina A. Furqan” whose writing suddenly appeared on my Medium page, at one randomly-2-am. I read the writing in scroll and was soon lost in it, entirely. As I read each sentence, I began to realize something that had been quite missing from my life recently: the ability to express feelings in a medium, my usual way of pouring out my head which consists of fear, worry, anger, disappointment, sadness, helplessness, etc. I was losing it. Due to the unusual days, I lived, with new people, unfamiliar surroundings, work that wasn’t manageable for me to do, and immense demands placed on me, all of a sudden. I’m not ready for this shift.

2022 feels like a lot. But somehow I’m here eventually. After a crazy ride of only 6 months. There were times I kinda feel like I wasn’t living entirely myself, I was too overwhelmed by everything around me, and sometimes I was disappointed by what others do towards me (I hate being treated in some ways, but I choose to bury and bury, I was thinking nothing will change if I confront or deny). Honestly, this half of 2022 was my lowest point in life, expectations of others weighed on my shoulder, a lot. I wasn’t ready to be someone that people look up to; that people take account of; to be a respected leader, to be a role model for others, I’m not that kind of person and I hate to be a crucial part of a thing, all I want is a modest life with a small group of people. Also, I’ve struggled with the same problem from a long time ago: priority and commitment. I realize I am an easy person to be with, I can be open and warm to people. But I still have a big zero on self-management and people management (gotta bunch to learn). Joining a journey with this community is such an eye-widening and mind opening, there are so many things I have to develop from myself. If from my experience I was feeling I’ve had enough as a person, here I discover I’m still lacking in areas that I never think about before, especially on how to respect people as they are but never sacrificing myself for the sake of a more prominent purpose and trying to comprehend element that is not in accordance with my identity.

Still and all, a notable lesson I took this half year: I have a threshold to be a fully functional person. When everything in my hand surpasses the threshold, I am scattered and overwhelmed, so better next time I’ll learn to never be ravenous again. Why? I guess it’s because my best qualities will be shown when I am at my best spot and have the strongest grip on the job. I met maybe more than a hundred new people, they all have different natures. While dealing with them, I was pouring my heart, blood, and sweat to muster the obligation. Nonetheless, given all I had are not yet enough. I have to go the extra mile and miles if I want to make every suffering worthwhile. Let’s blossom for the better, let’s fetch compassion to the community ❤

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